The Want is JUST the Start

It's been a while since I have given a glimpse to me and my world of defining the duality. I have abandoned the drive of love of life for the love of a man and as if the light extended beyond reason.... I decided to abandon love for a man for the love of me and the feeling complete understanding seemed to settle over me and now I smile from within. This is a true testimony to love in the rarest of forms. I as I stated in my profile am a creative soul who has over estimated the true worth of my love for the common goal of an artist. To evoke and touch the spirit of the heart and the means of positive to people. I have been on a long journey of finding the truth of life and I know a lot of people say that's no job. Yet really if you look closer at your television, listen intently to the lyrics of your favorite song, you will find that it is the purpose of a lot of the creative souls out there. I believe that if you to are an artist that you understand the journey in which I speak. It takes a different kind of person to be loud in the ways of quiet. Unique in the arms of conformity and clever with wit in the mind of the mundane. You would believe that no one person has the right to speak up and out loud and without the acceptance of the mass thought.  It is not easy embracing your wrongs and idolizing your rights. It's even harder to live with the scrutiny of the world's eyes. Yet there are so many that do it. In the quiet of their privacy, they may cry and feel the shocks of insecurity hoping that your view of them is the positive kind. Well I have been in that dim unlit room of uncertainty and will live their the majority of my life on earth. Yet the beaming sound of today I tried will viel many days and cross the threshold of radical rebellious soldier for the life of change and different. I want to talk about self branding and love of the common man and the journey of the ordinary leper. I want to hear about the you in the world that people are so quick to hide to avoid the vulnerability of truth and acceptance. The want is just the start. If we want to be more than we are, then who is to say that you can;t be that more, that better that success of your day dreams and waking fantasies. I can be mine and I will be, who wants to be on the road to better, to take a closer glimpse at the impossible. Separate you fro defeat and you get the same letters, the same order... you just stand between the two and be the star and fan of the combination of your self. embrace your power to believe first in yourself. Right after God, you are the only sure thing in this world for you. I am learning that with an open heart. Embrace love.... detest negative and I can't.

Inside the Light

How did I get to the moment when you were no longer just a part of the world that I was living in? The memory of our meeting, our talks, our walks in this experience of humanity so separate had somehow become so much intertwined. A friendship of constant understanding and individual similarity. Now it feels as though you are as essential as the oxygen needed to breath and live. I can't live in this type of love, this love that comes with risks and faith. This love that seems to have grown under the wings of God and sings a melody that is beyond the instruments I have been trained to play. You have created a village of followers of my emotions inside of me, and I am beginning to reek of your words, your mission and your journey. I should feel as though i have no longer been myself yet I feel more like me that I ever had. I am being born again in the life of which you have envisioned me and it has begun to empower me and I want to run away from you because we are not in love, I am not yours, you have not become the man to the women I seem to be evolving into. The fears of my youth now comforts of home as I begin to adapt to a new life. The pregnant silences are full of promise and future movement and the miracle born to our conversations, dances of invitation, and faith have made me a proud mother of love. A mother who has labored in the disguise of happy when it was nothing more than incomplete desire that was so well hidden, even my reflection had not yet been introduced. Yet now I see her moving from shadows in plain sight. Now the dark is so illuminated with light and I don't want to fight the urge to be near the chills that cover my skin when your words reinforce thoughts that have lived without a delivery for the entirety of my life. I was moving, an emotional zombie. Afraid of showing the passion that was so well tamed without the fuel to let it burn yet now I can no longer contain what is there, it has now sparked and is burning so bright. The internal light seems to lead me. God is breathing inside of me, a part of my daily steps. I love what is happening inside of me, it is giving me a glow that is recognized without notice, without a call, it is showing from a place that even I can't reach. You sit close to me and stay there while I am not looking, while I am not holding on to you. I didn't want to know the person that would ignite my flame, I didn't want the introduction for now I can no longer deny. I can no longer excuse the boundary that was just a patch of my fear. Now I must have the courage to choose to have faith and believe in the documented path that has been paved with love and care. I can't hide in my anger, for smiles continue to permeate the air around me, pulling me from slumber each day that I give myself and I wanted to go back. Just hide from the fact that now the risks are so much greater. You are my heartbeat, my walk, the steps each coming quicker to find the treasure of serenity and peace that are all just the offspring of love. I just don't know what to do now that I have made this turn. Pulled toward the pillar of my strength. I fall to my knees daily to God for the privilege of allowing our introduction.

Hold Me Hostage

What in the world was I thinking? So many say I was lost in my own dream, a fantasy of my own understanding and I think they should just stop talking about what I was... not dreaming or thinking but feeling. I am tired of living in this world's delivery of what ideas should be. The truth is ideas are unique. Just as each thought that we allow to enter our cortex and analogy. Yet alot of days we forget that feeling is only the first step. We feel it yet, do we accept that we were able to feel anything before it came, or is that something can not be defined and so immediately denied. I want to kick and yell, screaming for my individuality. Just because you can't see the hue of your decisions left to the days consequences. What makes you believe that I can't.

Yet it allows me to arrive again at my next thought. I am not ashamed of the consequences or even the lessons. what I am most ashamed of is that I kept not believing but receiving. For the belief was the relief. I had been rescued. The most desired pain of all is the pain of love that lives in the same joy of love as well. The vulnerability of emotionally romantic relationships is one of the most dangerous game that I have experienced. I am tired of running in circles and so now I begun to evaluate the activity.... I love unconditionally therefore your choices are your choices and I do not change based on the reciprocation of my actions in showing my love and not just saying it. The actions you take to show how you feel whether the love is the same or not is up to you. If I see that you are the most important of people in your world to the extinct of my pain, then what do I do? Where do I apply the difference in a way that leaves no unsatisfied emotions for myself.
I can not expect the same of those around me, however I have the power to hold myself hostage from any love crimes, where me as the victim finds no resolution in at least your words.

Answering Questions

This morning while the rest of the world sleeps I find myself with my earphones covering my ears and music taking me down a montage of emotional experiences that shaped the last 24 to 48 hours of my life and I am checking my timeline on Twitter when I realize that my days of Facebook have become less and I look to my timeline for the confirmation that it is filled with the things that make my heart open, my eyes widened and I realize that for the first time in social media, I am not just joining the crowd but creating my own collection of things that inspire me, touch me, arouse me, attract me and actually define who I am as a person. My Facebook is still me of course but I don't play games yet I allow app permission to favor the friends who are really people that I have crossed in my short life time and I realize that while that book that carries my face, it is my history, my love "the people" who have joined me and effected me and now a job does not have to be lost to lose the faces that shared lunch with me, or old classmates who also experienced learning and evolving with me. We may not trade phone calls or talk each day about the things that touch us but we can "like" an enlightened comment or experience with the news feed and that makes me see the good in all the ways to control us as people. I find that love is the fuel for all good, and with that understanding a rant of rejection has created a new portion of history and we say hey you know, I enjoyed this conversation, lets stay in touch as long as I don't deactivate and you can add me to my friends list. For Facebook has brought back families old loves, lost classmates and then I look at the people who tell me there movements, thoughts and I realize it is my own personal yearbook. My own trip down memory lane. Pictures appear that I thought have died with the original camera and memories of high school become vivid as old friends reminisce on times that we knew we would never forget. Facebook helped to coordinate my ten year reunion. It makes me smile so I still go by and say hi, and sometimes I am able to make a note. A moment where I need to purge the congestion of thoughts that sometimes try to overwhelm me. Then I can like my likes and dislike my not so likes.
Yet the reason for this blog was about Twitter. Twitter was a long awaited add on for me, to many alerts on my blackberry and hey people where tweeting about their toothbrushes. Yet earlier this year I gave in and tried again and now I love my twitter, I follow people of whom I admire and I am able to laugh at the antics of old friends, and I get to share my movement. Twitter is my heart and soul. It is my poetry and I realize like Dawson's Creek back in the tenth grade I have the second thing in my entire lifetime that I really do love. A guilty pleasure that somehow gets me through days. Rev Run always has words of wisdom. Fellow poets and great minds are right on point about aspects of life and then me. I fight the causes of my passions and without going to much into detail I can yell. YOUR WRONG... YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM OR WHAT YOUR SAYING.  Just enough characters to get it done and if you know me, you know I am long winded. So I am able to teach myself how to get to the point.  And like most days that I find myself up with the rising of the sun, screen flashing before me, my book growing by day, my confidence increasing,,, I see a tweet from a new person I have chosen to follow.
So In Response: thatwritingchic ThatWritingChic 

What are you inviting into your brand? What music influences you? What books do you read? Who do you follow? Who doyou RT?

5 minutes ago Favorite Retweet Reply

I am inviting positive and adaptability into my brand. I am going to be a movement, an energy of thought and love. I wake each day with the same thought. How can I love today? Who can I entertain, share my time with that will teach me something new, something different, something insanely mentally invigorating. I live for the moments of understanding and debate. I invite the ability to be a an avid learner. Using each day to instead of allowing the feeling of inadequacy and sadness about what I do not know, and what pains from naivety to allow me to lose focus, I will see it as a gift to place under the tree of my lifelong experience. I will be a passionate soldier for the bringing together of Men and Women and helping them to embrace the love in their hearts for another, which will also advocate the building of more families and the miracle of love. I will not allow people to take away from my individuality my ruff and ragged edges. Even my flaws will be used to demonstrate what I have forgotten to accept or tackle for the fear of falling victim of it's emotional toll. I will not change my behaviors do to the actions of others and I will also forgive. I invite the presentation of GOD in any manner in which I that day choose to present him, which will not only teach yet also learn. This will also result in me to making decisions that lessen the influence of my worldly surroundings and it's understanding. I choose to close doors of the negative forces of the devil, making room solely for God, Love, Community and growth which will allow me to evolve. I will be a writer, a poet, a common comedian and a daily cheerleader. I will no longer run from the ability to feel the emotion of others instead using it to do as I was assigned to do in this life and I will never shut up. My words, my voice, my selection and delivery of content is apart of my unique gift and I belong to an army of rebellious hearts made of GOD, loyalty, trust, kindness, togetherness and perseverance that bind them together creating armies of spiritual soldiers.

One of things that really influences me is myself. Not the person who is reflected in the glass, but the me that lives inside of my outer shell. The woman who insists that I embrace my two totally conflicting thought processes. The little girl who was told that her beauty was nothing more the breast encased in a shirt. The daughter who lived with a woman with stern words brazen confidence and tales of survival. The first year student who was taken to the new world of an HBCU in a place she was foreign to yet never let her fear debilitate her. I influence me, for I am made in the image of GOD. GOD is love, a miracle in human form.

 

People who write influence me. From a little girl, clean paper was a place of illumination, imagination and invention. My mother tells me that when there was  a clean piece of paper before I knew the concept of formulating the written word, my pens, pencils, crayons would sweep across the sheet hoping to create a documentation of who it was to be me. People who write are artists of language and have the ability to see inside of the frame , the shell. They can see beyond the seen to feel the unseen. Creating the place, the time, the journey for the common person to experience it along with those who were their inside of the experience itself. They can teach lessons with film, and be the therapy to hearts in songs. They can be the political activist in poems or they can be the members of God's clergy with spiritual enlightenment.

A friend in my life I met a couple of years ago influences me.... It's very seldom in this life that a person comes along to us individually that seems to speak the same language as we do. Yet they are the version of life that we did not know, experiencing different avenues and streets, exploring different homes but arriving at the same destination to the point of being your compatible opposite. He is the brilliance in my words, and his vision of me, is one of growth and a continued quest to be the best version of myself and that influences me to strive in my pursuit of my own happiness, completing goals, and living the dreams of my heart.

God influences me, for his vicious, ferocious and ever accepting love for us as people encourages me to be the type of person who not only lives for my heart, belief, but to allow my soul to experience this experience among humanity as a lesson of gratitude. For it must be so hard to watch as your children praise the acquisition of financial prowess, vigilant mistreatment of people for reason of difference and misconception. God has given us an innate guide yet we not only falter in our faith for the higher deity regardless of the name, yet we falter in our faith in ourselves to be victorious in overcoming obstacle. 

Books are the cornerstone of my world. The binding, the setting, the characters who emerge from the impression of those who author them. I read everything. I continue to read for each book that I pick up seems to be chosen just for me and I learn something each time. From fiction, to self help, romance, Science fiction, Erotica, Fantasy. Art imitates life and I feel from the depths of my most core, that art of all kinds is how God shows us the true meaning of life.

I follow writers, I follow motivators of positive thinking. I follow the essence of femininity...which I define as the heart of the womb. Women love, for we were created to nurture and embrace difference and teach tolerance. So If it's putting down quotes about relationships, love, friendship.

And I RT @thewritingchic, @damnlovetweets, @rafaelcasal, @damnyo, My friend Shayna... she is gritty, and loud. I love that. Of course... RevRun... almost daily and BishopTDJakes, I also RT myself, for sometimes I am quite clever.

My twitter is the true collaboration of who DualityDefined is.

   

In this Reality?

Recently, I have been told that I live in a fantasy land because I refuse to give into the belief of those around me, and I must say that is leaving me angry and erratic. I have no fear in this life anymore and I am really ready to move on to the things that mean the most to me. So I have decided that I am going to stop listening to the words of these people who know nothing and do nothing, They are treading water and living right along the shore and have done nothing that mean anything to the world or themselves. What hurts most is that a man, that I love so much has rebuked me as though I am the devil. Do you know they through water on me as they the water they bless should become holy. Drugs are leading their lives and I have partook but I have not lost myself and my words and I have not lost my understanding either.  Funny how someone can help you to find the beauty and find yourself can try to make you lose what you have found. Some days it's all right there in front of you, but what of the every days that is is all in front of you. I don;t want to be the person that disappoints my friends and family.Yet most of all i don't want to disappoint myself. In my reality I listen and follow GOD. He is my crutch. I own that. GOd is my best friend and he leads me and I give unto him my good and my bad, No days will i leave him. Even in my wrongs i give him my heart so that my wrongs will be less and my rights abundant.

In Love with My Child: Casey Anthony... Duality's Definition

Love is the most powerful of all human experiences. A wise person who I am not sure originated these words, have left a powerful beginning for me. "Love is a reason to live and an Excuse to die."  In my opinion that is saying that love gives life and take life. The experience of living is not and will never be about what we accomplished but what we have learned and applied as far as the experience of being human.
As a woman, I have thought of having children and while I have made it to the ripe age of 30, I find it hard to grasp the idea of hurting a child. Women have been giving a large responsibility and a beautiful gift of containing growth and progression of life. The miracle of a child is a benefit to the miracle of love itself.  It is so amazing that one a child is made of one stranger meeting another and if done right, embracing that total submission of faith and trust to build a whole brand new family comprised of that man and that woman. In a lifetime as short as mine I have beared the pain of many idividuals yearning for children and the opportunity to make life of the love that they share with another, yet lose the fight to make it happen. A miracle is only in the control of God, so therefore they spend days asking why and finding different approaches to engaging in that mirror.  Yet so many women who desire nothing more than stability or companionship for that time.... Lay down spreading the secret of the worth to men that 1. don't deserve or 2. don't intend of staying around regardless of the action so freely applied.
I am in sadden rage that Casey Anthony has been released into the world as if a child is nothing more than a cabbage patch kid she will not be giving her dead 3 year old daughter. I have been toying with the idea of going to law school and now it has been confirmed yet again that he system of releasing a woman who waited 30 days to even report the child missing. The state of a lawyer seems to be to fight for the individual, I AM setting out to fight for the truth whether defense or prosecution. There is no way my closing arguments would have a left a journey to the reasonable logic of freeing a woman who did not find it at all important to even act like she gave a "two shit" that her child was missing. Maybe there was a doubt to actual action applied. Fine! however she blantantly expressed her lack of desire to care for the miracle that she created. Regardless if you believe her to be innocent or not... Casey Anthony was a great example as to how the world for it's on kindness, show that kindness is applied in wrong activity. Caley that precious child may you watch us all fro m heaven and hold on to the fact my heart that no longer beats is for you to be the only child to die in vain if I can help it. Your home is already so comfortable I know.
I am so in love with child that i have not yet even concieved. Just the understanding that a man I love can not leave just his scent behind... but a whole new version of himself, His seed,
my dear dear child

You were already on file, Couldn't be?

I have acquired a very keen fascination with the power of the moon, stars, sun, water, earth and how we as people relate to those aspects of our earthly experience. A couple of months ago I was introduced to a book by author Gary Goldschiender with the title... The Secret Language of Birthdays. At first glance it was just a personality profile based on your sun sign, however I was so fascinated with the accuracy of the profile that I decided to read further. I have always been very much Gemini however I was born on the first day of the cusp so I am dynamically Taurus as well and Mr Gary. He had the goods it seemed. I went further and further into the understanding and the power and the documentation of the effect of the natural elements and placement of the stars on our personalities and the fruition of our desires. The more I learn the deeper my addiction to acquiring an understanding of how we are effected by the world around us. Our ancestors of times only told by books of history may not have had i Pods, or computer processing units, yet they had keen insight and paid very close attention to the details of the world around them. 
  We have all felt the difference of moods when the moon runs high and full. It seems that it is no coincidence. The moon, the tide of the water, the pull of it to your mental and physical stability. 
  My very inherent hubris nature demands that I research my understanding more and more. With self understanding I feel more empowered, more understood when I look into the mirror and I see into my own soul. Can't embrace the differences of others until you embrace the differences in your self. It's about owning the elements of self love. Loving myself has been the hardest of all things to do and I am very tired of running from it.  As a result, I today took a closer look at my moon sign. As it would seem all the things I do, are just in the portrait of my personality... that gives me a feeling of resolve and peace. We all know that we ultimately make our own decisions. The power of the drive behind those decisions is very important as well. 
  I have always said that I was a crazy button, triggering emotional chaotic activity. It's true. Finding that my over indulgent personality was already written sure did take alot of pressure from my drooping shoulders and latent intellectual mind. Even that is stated. The funniest part is that there are so many people who were born on the same day at the same time and while faces may change, and the names are labeled differently. Knowing that someone out there may feel almost identical to me, makes me feel like I belong to a special club. So all this emotional instability was written as well and after all that I just got to thinking. What if? Now I am only saying what if, for I have no concrete hypothesis and no valid factual documented convectional proof of this, somewhere in my heart I feel it so clearly to say it wasn't real would be a lifetime fight that I would stand for. I have this nutty idea that we all were predicted.... 

In the Middle of My Thoughts

Somewhere deep within the burrows of my heart I am breathing his smile, his essence. The entirety of who he is and what it is that he makes me feel. Alive, new, full of hope, and he is not even my man, but somehow when he is near I thrive. I am not just living, he gives me something to nurture to care for. I sometimes feel as though he is the reason I was born. The reason I have journeyed this far into doubt to produce astronomical amounts of faith. Is it one person? Is it divine? Definitely founded in love and defined by desire passion and adoration. Can the love you feel for someone else allow to just love yourself more.

Divulging my heart and soul seems fitting for my mood right now, so I will, whats the possibility of him reading of him seeing. We can talk about the dynamics of who he is, yet in some pursuit of emotional and spiritual therapy some type of freedom. Soooooo I am going to talk in rants, raves, and stuttering mumbles. I have already told the world the story and because I am sure my Psychiatrist on retainer, all have work today, and as they are my friends, I am going to give them a break. Besides how much do we ever really tell our Therapsit....  So it seems that I am quite afraid of actually getting what I want. I have been denying the fact to the world that a man loving me the way he would scares me, it also scares me how much I love this man. How much alike we are, how well we fit, how passionate we are. I love his greatest attributes, I love his most dire flaws. I love all of him. The core the the shell, the stem of his rose. As people I think sometimes humanity, this world has tainted us of the simplest of things. Robbed by greed, raped by anger, demoralized by the American dream. And truly inside I speak of God alot, so I will not deny you my sincerity... God is love, he lives within us, no bible is needed to guide you to him. To his praise, his blessing and your testimony. each trial we have is to pay the price of appreciation and those lessons have been lost to my ignorance and the gracious friend of self hate. Not in the ways of dynamic drama, yet in the ways of the heart. He has not settled down with me, have not asked for my hand, so i can not give him all of me... Can I? We have become so afraid of being hurt of being lost to pain, yet if it's God who has brought us together, then why would he show me love to tear it from my grasp, to handicap me with his gift of my soul. I have so much faith in what I know is our meant future, so much faith in what God showed me in our beginning. Sometimes things, situations and people are more than a reason, a season. This man is my lifetime, the part of me that was long before lost to world of hurt and an understanding of myself. So busy putting myself in the back to find a purpose in helpful resources. I do things to remind myself that he is not mine in the way that is comfortable to feel all these things for him. i want to give him the perfection he deserves, but why should I reveal her, what if nd how I got here. Yet he does and did yet not in the fashion I would have liked him to demonstrate. Yet last night caught in another finagle, a consequence of my emotional games, I revealed a little more to him. I stopped trying to prove my worth, it has already been on trial and acquitted of pretense and self mutilating thought. I just needed to have faith. For every fight we endure, we end up in the pillow case of events, situations or maybe even experiences that cause us to be face to face. We still don't leave one another, still listen, still love. In our own separate but very similar ways of expression. I told him, the only way I feel comfortable showing you the things you evoke in me is through tangible support. If I give him the entire breathing change that is for his benefit... not one he chose for me... So I just said it... i gotta feel like the winner sometimes... he then says why worry about something you already have.
 Even then I cringed and tried to divulge any further... To love him completely and have him return that love would be total and complete happiness.

The Second Glimpse: My Crazy For LOVE

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My heart speaks only

by A'Nya Lewis on Monday, September 6, 2010 at 3:25am

You live within me. I see us being the prototype. They will ask how do we do it? Was it always this way? We will answer God. We had no control and we didn't choose. One day I will say to you.... I love you. I love the man you are. I admire your courage, resilience and strength. I depend on your instincts and follow your lead. I bleed in preparation to bare your heirs. I work at your side, lay in your arms and nurture your soul. I will prepare your meals with love by my hands. I will support your dreams, and help you to build your wealth. I will lessen the load of the world with my scent, touch and execution. I will love you first spiritually allowing God into our union and having faith in God which is our love. I will trust the Holy Spirit and feelings that link us. I will share my body with you, creating a haven of desire that strengths the muscle of your heart and the emotion of it as well. I am to the exclusivity of you. I bare myself and trust you desires. I will not deny you our sensual private parties. I will not be afraid of your sexual fantasies. I will be your playground. I will surrender to the need for your embrace and weight. I will reveal my most intimate desires so that we create walls around our love, no one can break. I will wash your back and play in the darkness with you. I will not falter or take advantage of your devotion to me. I will cater to you, make home a sanctuary. I will tell you the things I might be embarrassed to say. I will trust that you will not laugh when I fall, but pick me up. Then I will tell you. I love you so very much. It has created a need to be near you. I need your embrace, I need your strength. I rely on your instincts and intelligence. I adore your sympathy to the next man. I boast of your talents. I am fierce in my possession. I will not share and dare anyone to try to infiltrate the alliance we have formed. I will deepen our bond with daily invocation of my emotions. I will stroke your ego and dedicate my days to your progress. I vow to love you even when days are hard. We will see obstacles that will do nothing but teach us humility and forgiveness. I deny all others for you. You are my king. You are irreplaceable. We are spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically intertwined. We are best friends. We are family. We are the start of a new beginning. I want to be the woman who stands above the rest. I want to past all the tests. I will stand in the rain if it means a lifetime with minimal pain. I will give you my everything. I will not share myself with no other. I will be your angel and your whore. I look at you and my body screams. I look into your eyes and I don't need the presence of wine. You are my aphrodisiac. Your scent, the baritone in your voice. Even the way you walk creates puddles of desire, calling you to complete me with your anatomy. I relish in the truth that no one else gets I what I have. You spill your seeds into me and hold them tight. I submit and commit with a full heart. It will take me a lifetime to really express the things I feel. I promise to each day say how much love I feel. I will tell you my disappointments and share my triumphs. I want to live with you. Grow and learn. I want to ease the pain. If I can't then I must feel it to, so you are not alone. I will protect what is mine at all costs. I will deny you nothing that doesn't hurt us or our progress. I will stop at nothing to create a home filled with love. I will tend to our home. I will share myself without hesitation and will not put another human before you. Today before ouR future manifest I tell you my heart. I see it clearly, we have to prepare. You know we and we have a lot of love to nurture. We will have to pray and follow our hearts. We will have faith and not be blindsided by fear. I am being prepared to love fiercely and with equovacations. Love is God so the devil will appear. We must hold to his hand and run to his shelter. We will keep our secrets and succumb to only each other. I will laugh with you, play with you, grow with you, learn with you, mature with you, build with you. I will submit to you, commit to you. I will cater to you. I will wait for your command, I will honor your demands. I will share with you, dare with you. I will take this leap with you. I will care for you, I will make love to you, I will fuck you to. I will be your playground and keep the adventures of desire to be shared with only you. I will take care of you. I will wait for you. I will acknowledge your changes and supply you with demonstrations of feelings not expressed by words. I will be pretty for you and wear things you like. I will wash your back and support your choices. I will never defile your character or create misunderstanding. I will be the person on whom you can always depend. Tell me the things you desire and I will not let the fire die. I will only ask why to further understand, not to undermine. I will doctor your wounds and heal your soul. I will allow you complete admittance to my world. I will allow you to conqueR me, bringing us together to create one.
In my heart these are things that begin to fester. Just your presence entices me, excites and devours me. My love forces me to give in to my temptation. Even in my anger my body will tell no lies. It doesn't know frustration and summation. It sees only in red. It welcomes you. It was created for you. Our love is my priority, because it is the human mantifesation of God. It is a miracle designed for all, no love is ever the same. Now, I want to take your last name.

What of We?

Didn't you see me coming, this image of you just in contrast, in where your out, emotion to your logic, its not symbolic. When you ask, I will bury my mask, gladly take your name with no shame... our love will be so bomb they will hang our certificate of marriage in the hall of fame. we have always been epic, no wonder you wear the hat of a skeptic. This love will persevere, hear lies no fear. Will be kind, start in the heart and be defined in the mind, will outlive this life, and go on for many lifetimes, be the beginning of rapped rhymes, be legendary... not the cherry but the sundae, A'Nya Khadija Monea is the name of your future wife... try it on... sounds good... yours the only hood.... i bang, only for you will i twerk this thang.... you have made my heart sang. didn't you see me coming or did you feel me leave, when I thought to snatch out another woman's weave for trying to infiltrate the kingdom i have begun to build, didn't she the sign on your heart that said yield to the woman who stands at my side, the one in which you confide. Was she blind, or did she think the same as I that you were a priceless find. It may not be today or tomorrow that we wed, and she may see your bed, your heart is already taken, let it not be mistaken for something that we as mortals can choose, try to hard and you will be singing the blues, give it to God and he will lead you to she who is your completion, i know it sounds as if my intention is selfish, and maybe it is so, for I already know what you have not yet accepted. although our love has been subjected to rain, and knows pain. It means not we are not meant to be, but that we must appreciate that he has made us a we. Yet i don't worry for I have faith, for only he that gives can taketh away. What he brought together can no man divide.... and it also can not be denied. What of we can't you see? Did i hurt you on our journey or did the past give you cause to pause and deny that which will last. What of we? if not extraordinary.

Left Him Inside of My Anger

I am sad, and shit I feel so blue
i don't know what the fuck I am going to do
but I was tired of telling him everyday.... baby I love you
not when his words didn't express 
 that same blessed text
Shit it was a mess 
the way I was saying I wanted a more
and how much I adore
and How i would never close the door
on us
when I realized I was the only one putting up a fuss
and that Iw as not really living inside of his love
so I left him inside of my anger
aborted in the the un-used hanger
where the airplane 
was lain slain
 on the side of the runway
and shit it wasn't for real, but for play
we were playing house
and then cat and mouse
and now I feel so alone
Cuz my heart is not home
cuz home is with him
shit i might as well grow ten inches, a beard and call myself tim
Somehow I doubt he would notice the ten inch dick
I had suddenly grown, instead he would pull out a bic
and tell me I have a girl for you to meet
she is super neat
just not for me
Fuck living that nightmare
Instead I bare 
my heart and soul to you
and ask, what is a girl to do
when he ain't saying to me... baby I love YOU
not that he loves anyone else
or maybe that's a story i tell myself
Shit I push alot of things to the back of the shelf
marked "Don't be stupid"
But i am tried of playing with cupid
how is she going to show me perfection
and then play me like taxes except this deduction
won;t give me any returns
his love reciept was firm in the expections department
I don;t go back or can;t be used as new
I used
Damaged
goods
I am good for fucks on parked car hoods
 or maybe even the emotional moment or two
but I will not ever fall in love again
I tried that shit
I lost, didn't win
 So why would i place another bet
it may be a different game
but all yall broads are the same
Shit
We have different names
and I don't want to place the blame
but I hate that bitch 
cuz now she making us look one in the same
but girl I got u cuz he can be so stubborn
that I why I  left him inside my frown
took a trip around town
looked for another face
Another place 
to lay my kiss
find sweet bliss
but it seems my heart
insists 
that I take my ass back to that hanger
where I had him slain in my anger
this man once a stranger
now so much apart of me
but I already know we could never be
Fuck
Now do you see
why I had to leave you back in side of my so sad
my so mad
cuz if I kept you in my smile
you would stay for a while
and I gotta get you out of here
You must exit my heart
and I know it's not really my job, but it's the hardest part
Knowing you live so close, so freely inside of me
when we 
can;t be
I can't live in side your happy
be the sappy
part of your day
Be the reason your birds sing in may
cuz you said it was a negative
not a positive
the way
I was learning your tecnique
how our love had peaked
How we somehow had become a we
without a hint of design
somehow
it seemed so right that you were blind
to nothing of us
it was a plus 
not a minus
back then
but u shot me down
turned my smile to a frown
and didn't even blink
when I went to town
to find another face
to place
my bliss 
with a kiss
you seemed to sigh in relief
turned a new leaf
when you realized
my anger 
was the stranger
that seemed to move into our house of sweet
you didn;t even want to compete
do you feel as incomplete?
guess I will never know
I took matters into my own hands
crossed the burning sands
Can't come back
I didn't survive the attack
that left me without you
I am just so fucking blue

What is a girl to do?


I am feeling very blue, for I have left him inside of my anger and I just can't save him from the sea of moumental ugly in which i have drowned him. I was tired and somewhere in a mist of understanding I just lost my belief in love. Okay so I didn't lose my belief in love I got tired of waiting for my heart to let go of this dream. This belief that he would someday find the beauty in my smile, the perfection in my walk, and he bright hue of my smile. Why didn't he want to write poems about me like the other one does. Yes there is another. One who jloves me alot it seems in just a short time but it doesn't take forever to find and live in love now does it. Now I said that this would document the love I have seen in the world and in my life and I haven't even begun on the people I see the world I belong to and how much those crazy folks can;t see love if they tried, but he says... that I don't live what I write and I can just hit in the face because the truth is, he just doesn;t see the love in me because he is a big ole scardey cate and I want to call him by his name but that would be wrong right but look here now. If God shows you this perfect love and then you taint it what am I to do. Now people I wasn't exactly completely always right but darn it I am human and what does he expect me to be perfect because being perfect wasn't going to get me anything but bullshit anyway.... and then just like that he was going to cheat on me and lose my heart and i know it sounds like I am back sliding but this is why I had to leave him inside of my anger and act as if he didn't exist because if I didn;t. the blue would have been much deeper and would have completely taken my life and I need to leave. I need to breathe.... I am suppose to be someone's mother and he already got kids and don't want me to love them anyway... Okay I think some of this is lies and I am trying my best to be honest but my feelings are blocking the way. He is there left right inside of my storm and I swear I want to go get him but we can't just argue and not say mean things, but the truth is I didn't really say anything mean I just didn't feel like hearing what he had to say because if it didn't start with Love and end with forever shit I was tired of hearing it. Truth is.... he needs to see that I am pretty damn great and great don't have to wait. And yes I am afraid that I gambled but shit at least I was brave enough to take a stand for myself. So there is he in my anger and he is going out the other way. He is not going to call me again, shit he didn't call me when weren't fighting but he said the sweetest thing last week and I think this may be the best thing for us cuz he is stronger than me cuz I would allow it to stay the same way... even though deep down i want more... its not fair but I love him, its crazy

"My Urban Prophet"

So, I am in love with this man, and even I don't believe that you can be in love alone, and this is the intimate glimpse into who I am. It's the part about me that actually tells the world that he is the reason I want to be a better person, the reason I want to breathe, the reason I believe that I can be a good mother. He demands that I am better, he demands that I live up to the potential in which I was born to thrive and he is so much beauty. Beauty that comes from a place that even I can't identify more than that of a higher power. He has allowed me to believe in that the kind of love that is beyond reason and understanding. 

The funniest thing in the world,is that he does not feel the same things for me. He is so hurt and so blinded by the past that he wouldn't be able to see me. Today I told him to disappear into the ashes of burned euphoria. That he disappear into a horizon never realized. I am tired of loving him. Tired of not hearing his voice daily, not breathing his understanding and beauty daily. I have tried to be stronger, tired to to better...but I can't mend the broken man that he has become. Can't mend the doors to love that he has cememented shut. What of your power Nya Duality? What of that utmost power that you call love. Even I can't answer that question because even as I say goodbye all I see is hello. I see a morning of promise that is devised and comprised of nothing more than him lending me my smile, breathing in the love he created with another woman to only teach lessons of love that will conqueor what the world can offer. Money, has no barrings on the things that we could accomplish together but i bleed the wounds of dishonesty and discourse from lain moments with women not known to my birth, not known to my beginninging. Women who are curtly not me, and not apart of the love that i feel for him.
Upon the first meeting I had of him, I was not impressed by his looks, not momentarily engaged by the way his head tilts to the side when he is confused. I was quite not impressed with him at all, but the beat of his heart seemed to walk into a intersection and mine seemed to see his and followed and fell into step and our hearts seemed to pump blood into each others body and I was at the second day of our conversation quite sure that I had met the man that I was going to marry.  It's crazy to say these things when the man does not love me, but if I was even a little honest with the world, like I am honest with myself... I believe that to not be true. I feel as tho he loves me just as I love him.
My "Urban Prophet" who can see the world coming toward him, who sees the pain of the world and I swear he was put here to save lives, to change the world and the way they see things... The new voice of religious understanding. He says quite frequently that an angel is someone who has seen hell and does not want to go back, he seems to know the bible by instinct and believes things that the world should understand and live. He is the truth... some days I think I am crazy to believe these things about him, but if you are in his presence you can feel it. It's not a game, not a joke. He is the truth. He inspires me to write millions of love letters, and not just for me but for the world. Together we are premonition, intuition and thought. Sounds crazy to you I am sure, but I can prove it. Shall I tell the story of he the prophet and me the dual enticed mind. I can probably get a check you all might think I am so crazy. I am in love with this man. He has children, that i love like they are mine and he is the most beautiful part of me. I promise.

Today's Love Quote - Love does not dominate; it cultivates. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

Today's love quote was a brilliant touch of feeling for me and I had say a few words, I had to express my emotional link to it. Love does not dominate, it cultivates. In my mind that is the most evoking piece of life put into a short phrase of words. Love has shown to me that its the creation of art, the demand of excellence. How many things and understandings have been cultivated and born of love and the power that it has in people and the world. Did you know that love is the only thing in this human experience that will out live death. It is immortality, it is a breathing and living entity and it cultivates and sustains what we call life. 

Design of Desire

Many people think of love as this romantic notion of chemical reactions that you feel toward someone of the opposite sex or same sex if that's your preference or experience. They never see it as this divine understanding, or this unlimited source of power and that's what it is. A source of understanding and power. Or at least that's the understanding that I have come to, even a source of power toward one's self, the more you love yourself the more powerful and successful you seem to be in my opinion or my understanding. Example, the idea or nature of hubris is a self love that is so beyond the norm it's gotten a wrap that states that its  more arrogance, more than selfishness but an elite being with yourself that you actually believe that you are above and beyond what society has settled as standard and normal.  


Entrance of the design of desire, the design of wanting the element of the physical manifestation of love. The intricate and dynamic design of wanting to feel this thing that we can't touch or put a physical demand or ideology on that which we can not see, what we can not touch. It's a hidden glimpse of this thing that we are suppose to give freely and touch never. I desire the touch of my "Urban Prophet" I desire the look of his eyes directly into my mine as he hovers over me, as I allow him entrance into the places that are reserved for someone special, someone as a woman I am taught to save for marriage. Yet many of us decide to allow love to flow from our intimate places at the first twinge of feeling in places that were marked benign as we are growing up and learning that women are vastly different from men in the ideology of feeling and the design of desire.


Yet how true is it, how different are we from men, is their design for desire so different from the fairer sex.  My "Urban Prophet" has taught me that men have the same intricate designs of desires that we do, the same want, the same need, yet the force of  their design is much different in the impact of it. As women when we are disappointed, we find ways to regroup, remold and redefine or redesign as we approach different chances for another hidden glimpse of love.  Where men are taught at a young age to not disclose or claim the element of the feelings that they feel, told to hide and keep closed the door of intimate understanding. Told not to cry, to not demonstrate the defenses that we are told to embrace and understand. Loving a man can sometimes be harder then loving our children, because as an adult that claims no design of desire, they leash and frame the intimate tags as a fire that is quenched when felt if not harbored and feed slowly and kept contained. Their design still so powerful and can be so brilliant in its deliverance, if taught properly, if embraced completely.
So tell me, how powerful is love, how grand the design of it that it causes people to change, in ways of positive and negative. Causes women to continue to propel forward when disappointed again and again, and causes men such pause they are forever affected. What is your design of desire?
Mine is in his voice, in his walk, in his over all demonstration. It's in the truth he demands in me, in the love he secretes as we couple. It's in the power and conviction of his relationships with others, in his eyes as he demands a deeper knowledge of me. The design of my desire is in the words he speaks and how well he arranges them.... it's the hidden glimpse of what I want in myself that is manifested in his actions. 

The First Glimpse

     Are these just my thoughts, is it my beliefs or should it be my judgments that are listed in a rant of  personal experience. These are my first thoughts as I begin this new "possibility for greatness". So many people have begun to blog; documenting and chronicling their unlimited thoughts and what each defines is oblivious to me. I am at a lost to the true goal of my new possibility and I wonder without a direction how far can I actually travel.  At the exact moment I felt as though I was bamboozled by the content, pretense, subtext or plain ole subject, I just said run with the wind. Just like that "bam", a "Positive Peyton" had been born and I was on the road to changing the world, one blog at a time. I had begun to ask myself why if the rest of the world could be so arrogant to think the world wants to hear there rants and raves on any subject or situation why not me.
Okay so that is not exactly a true depiction of what actually happened. Okay so it was more like...
                 A Joss Stone compliation was creating euphoric energy by use of my ears, a rapid beating heart was beginning to tear when I thought of the man I shall call my "Urban Prophet" and as the first liquid promises escaped my eyes, I was sure that somehow today was the day I was strong enough to do something different. I was going to be courageous and choose happiness, and this was the second step. The first step was admitting that I had changed, that I had now begun to see the world in a different way. I was now an adult and a chapter in my life had been sealed, signed and delivered to the publishers and I might as well admit that I was ready to complete the transformation to "Spiritually Lead Bad Girl Almost Reformed".

    Not many years ago I dreamed of being a published writer. I wanted to tell the world stories of fictional love affairs between women. Yes I was speaking from experience and yes I "WAS" a lesbian, okay well that's what I was calling myself when I was diving between shaved legs and embracing endless episodes of  "The L Word" and kissing full lips that converted me from men to women at least temporarily at first glimpse.

I suppose that and my endless run ins with narcotics, r and B, and devastatingly tempting sexual experiences I deemed myself a "Bad Girl", oh and the fact that I have for myself created a criminal record that reads... she is only bad enough to get misdemeanor charges.  A true lady rebel I am.

    My desire to write fictional novels of lesbian love began as a sizzling hot idea about a good girl turned lady lover and somehow ended up being kidnapped and as the woman with beautiful lips left my world, so did my desire to finish the book that left me confused. So many hours of writing left in a cold file labeled "Within Dark Hands". Yet writing still was in my heart and although I have ignored the calling to tell a story, I still dreamed that maybe one day I would be courageous enough to reach higher than he stars and go for a heroic attempt at using my love of words to make a change in my world, and on some level touch the lives of others as well.
     
 Well the desire lead me to write my own story, and believe me it's not a bad idea, and that idea is in the works. Yet days have gone by and my desire to write has been absent, the only thing present in the corridors  of my mind, the one thing that survives both good and bad days it seems was love. Love survives my thoughts daily and I realized that I needed to release the unspoken pledges of forever I felt for my "Urban Prophet" in the lessons that I have learned in knowing him and applying myself to every new activity, goal or experience. This is the first of collage of hidden glimpses into the entity that is my soul and spirit.

So it seems that love is a  true friend, surprising you with  kind thoughts, moments that are truly miraculous and a new belief in everything. So here we are beginning this new journey.

I will share that I am afraid that I might love documenting the random moments of love and pure wonder I feel almost every day. Is it possible that love can create a life, an income? Is it possible to be an employee for love, working diligently to promote it's power? When asked for Industry: Can I mark Health and Wellness, For occupation: Love Advocate; Duties: Creating and building more understanding  to the survival, belief and commitment to love in romantic, familial, and professional relationships.

Until the next time
Nya Monea is Duality Defined