Inside the Light

How did I get to the moment when you were no longer just a part of the world that I was living in? The memory of our meeting, our talks, our walks in this experience of humanity so separate had somehow become so much intertwined. A friendship of constant understanding and individual similarity. Now it feels as though you are as essential as the oxygen needed to breath and live. I can't live in this type of love, this love that comes with risks and faith. This love that seems to have grown under the wings of God and sings a melody that is beyond the instruments I have been trained to play. You have created a village of followers of my emotions inside of me, and I am beginning to reek of your words, your mission and your journey. I should feel as though i have no longer been myself yet I feel more like me that I ever had. I am being born again in the life of which you have envisioned me and it has begun to empower me and I want to run away from you because we are not in love, I am not yours, you have not become the man to the women I seem to be evolving into. The fears of my youth now comforts of home as I begin to adapt to a new life. The pregnant silences are full of promise and future movement and the miracle born to our conversations, dances of invitation, and faith have made me a proud mother of love. A mother who has labored in the disguise of happy when it was nothing more than incomplete desire that was so well hidden, even my reflection had not yet been introduced. Yet now I see her moving from shadows in plain sight. Now the dark is so illuminated with light and I don't want to fight the urge to be near the chills that cover my skin when your words reinforce thoughts that have lived without a delivery for the entirety of my life. I was moving, an emotional zombie. Afraid of showing the passion that was so well tamed without the fuel to let it burn yet now I can no longer contain what is there, it has now sparked and is burning so bright. The internal light seems to lead me. God is breathing inside of me, a part of my daily steps. I love what is happening inside of me, it is giving me a glow that is recognized without notice, without a call, it is showing from a place that even I can't reach. You sit close to me and stay there while I am not looking, while I am not holding on to you. I didn't want to know the person that would ignite my flame, I didn't want the introduction for now I can no longer deny. I can no longer excuse the boundary that was just a patch of my fear. Now I must have the courage to choose to have faith and believe in the documented path that has been paved with love and care. I can't hide in my anger, for smiles continue to permeate the air around me, pulling me from slumber each day that I give myself and I wanted to go back. Just hide from the fact that now the risks are so much greater. You are my heartbeat, my walk, the steps each coming quicker to find the treasure of serenity and peace that are all just the offspring of love. I just don't know what to do now that I have made this turn. Pulled toward the pillar of my strength. I fall to my knees daily to God for the privilege of allowing our introduction.

Left Him Inside of My Anger

I am sad, and shit I feel so blue
i don't know what the fuck I am going to do
but I was tired of telling him everyday.... baby I love you
not when his words didn't express 
 that same blessed text
Shit it was a mess 
the way I was saying I wanted a more
and how much I adore
and How i would never close the door
on us
when I realized I was the only one putting up a fuss
and that Iw as not really living inside of his love
so I left him inside of my anger
aborted in the the un-used hanger
where the airplane 
was lain slain
 on the side of the runway
and shit it wasn't for real, but for play
we were playing house
and then cat and mouse
and now I feel so alone
Cuz my heart is not home
cuz home is with him
shit i might as well grow ten inches, a beard and call myself tim
Somehow I doubt he would notice the ten inch dick
I had suddenly grown, instead he would pull out a bic
and tell me I have a girl for you to meet
she is super neat
just not for me
Fuck living that nightmare
Instead I bare 
my heart and soul to you
and ask, what is a girl to do
when he ain't saying to me... baby I love YOU
not that he loves anyone else
or maybe that's a story i tell myself
Shit I push alot of things to the back of the shelf
marked "Don't be stupid"
But i am tried of playing with cupid
how is she going to show me perfection
and then play me like taxes except this deduction
won;t give me any returns
his love reciept was firm in the expections department
I don;t go back or can;t be used as new
I used
Damaged
goods
I am good for fucks on parked car hoods
 or maybe even the emotional moment or two
but I will not ever fall in love again
I tried that shit
I lost, didn't win
 So why would i place another bet
it may be a different game
but all yall broads are the same
Shit
We have different names
and I don't want to place the blame
but I hate that bitch 
cuz now she making us look one in the same
but girl I got u cuz he can be so stubborn
that I why I  left him inside my frown
took a trip around town
looked for another face
Another place 
to lay my kiss
find sweet bliss
but it seems my heart
insists 
that I take my ass back to that hanger
where I had him slain in my anger
this man once a stranger
now so much apart of me
but I already know we could never be
Fuck
Now do you see
why I had to leave you back in side of my so sad
my so mad
cuz if I kept you in my smile
you would stay for a while
and I gotta get you out of here
You must exit my heart
and I know it's not really my job, but it's the hardest part
Knowing you live so close, so freely inside of me
when we 
can;t be
I can't live in side your happy
be the sappy
part of your day
Be the reason your birds sing in may
cuz you said it was a negative
not a positive
the way
I was learning your tecnique
how our love had peaked
How we somehow had become a we
without a hint of design
somehow
it seemed so right that you were blind
to nothing of us
it was a plus 
not a minus
back then
but u shot me down
turned my smile to a frown
and didn't even blink
when I went to town
to find another face
to place
my bliss 
with a kiss
you seemed to sigh in relief
turned a new leaf
when you realized
my anger 
was the stranger
that seemed to move into our house of sweet
you didn;t even want to compete
do you feel as incomplete?
guess I will never know
I took matters into my own hands
crossed the burning sands
Can't come back
I didn't survive the attack
that left me without you
I am just so fucking blue

What is a girl to do?


I am feeling very blue, for I have left him inside of my anger and I just can't save him from the sea of moumental ugly in which i have drowned him. I was tired and somewhere in a mist of understanding I just lost my belief in love. Okay so I didn't lose my belief in love I got tired of waiting for my heart to let go of this dream. This belief that he would someday find the beauty in my smile, the perfection in my walk, and he bright hue of my smile. Why didn't he want to write poems about me like the other one does. Yes there is another. One who jloves me alot it seems in just a short time but it doesn't take forever to find and live in love now does it. Now I said that this would document the love I have seen in the world and in my life and I haven't even begun on the people I see the world I belong to and how much those crazy folks can;t see love if they tried, but he says... that I don't live what I write and I can just hit in the face because the truth is, he just doesn;t see the love in me because he is a big ole scardey cate and I want to call him by his name but that would be wrong right but look here now. If God shows you this perfect love and then you taint it what am I to do. Now people I wasn't exactly completely always right but darn it I am human and what does he expect me to be perfect because being perfect wasn't going to get me anything but bullshit anyway.... and then just like that he was going to cheat on me and lose my heart and i know it sounds like I am back sliding but this is why I had to leave him inside of my anger and act as if he didn't exist because if I didn;t. the blue would have been much deeper and would have completely taken my life and I need to leave. I need to breathe.... I am suppose to be someone's mother and he already got kids and don't want me to love them anyway... Okay I think some of this is lies and I am trying my best to be honest but my feelings are blocking the way. He is there left right inside of my storm and I swear I want to go get him but we can't just argue and not say mean things, but the truth is I didn't really say anything mean I just didn't feel like hearing what he had to say because if it didn't start with Love and end with forever shit I was tired of hearing it. Truth is.... he needs to see that I am pretty damn great and great don't have to wait. And yes I am afraid that I gambled but shit at least I was brave enough to take a stand for myself. So there is he in my anger and he is going out the other way. He is not going to call me again, shit he didn't call me when weren't fighting but he said the sweetest thing last week and I think this may be the best thing for us cuz he is stronger than me cuz I would allow it to stay the same way... even though deep down i want more... its not fair but I love him, its crazy

"My Urban Prophet"

So, I am in love with this man, and even I don't believe that you can be in love alone, and this is the intimate glimpse into who I am. It's the part about me that actually tells the world that he is the reason I want to be a better person, the reason I want to breathe, the reason I believe that I can be a good mother. He demands that I am better, he demands that I live up to the potential in which I was born to thrive and he is so much beauty. Beauty that comes from a place that even I can't identify more than that of a higher power. He has allowed me to believe in that the kind of love that is beyond reason and understanding. 

The funniest thing in the world,is that he does not feel the same things for me. He is so hurt and so blinded by the past that he wouldn't be able to see me. Today I told him to disappear into the ashes of burned euphoria. That he disappear into a horizon never realized. I am tired of loving him. Tired of not hearing his voice daily, not breathing his understanding and beauty daily. I have tried to be stronger, tired to to better...but I can't mend the broken man that he has become. Can't mend the doors to love that he has cememented shut. What of your power Nya Duality? What of that utmost power that you call love. Even I can't answer that question because even as I say goodbye all I see is hello. I see a morning of promise that is devised and comprised of nothing more than him lending me my smile, breathing in the love he created with another woman to only teach lessons of love that will conqueor what the world can offer. Money, has no barrings on the things that we could accomplish together but i bleed the wounds of dishonesty and discourse from lain moments with women not known to my birth, not known to my beginninging. Women who are curtly not me, and not apart of the love that i feel for him.
Upon the first meeting I had of him, I was not impressed by his looks, not momentarily engaged by the way his head tilts to the side when he is confused. I was quite not impressed with him at all, but the beat of his heart seemed to walk into a intersection and mine seemed to see his and followed and fell into step and our hearts seemed to pump blood into each others body and I was at the second day of our conversation quite sure that I had met the man that I was going to marry.  It's crazy to say these things when the man does not love me, but if I was even a little honest with the world, like I am honest with myself... I believe that to not be true. I feel as tho he loves me just as I love him.
My "Urban Prophet" who can see the world coming toward him, who sees the pain of the world and I swear he was put here to save lives, to change the world and the way they see things... The new voice of religious understanding. He says quite frequently that an angel is someone who has seen hell and does not want to go back, he seems to know the bible by instinct and believes things that the world should understand and live. He is the truth... some days I think I am crazy to believe these things about him, but if you are in his presence you can feel it. It's not a game, not a joke. He is the truth. He inspires me to write millions of love letters, and not just for me but for the world. Together we are premonition, intuition and thought. Sounds crazy to you I am sure, but I can prove it. Shall I tell the story of he the prophet and me the dual enticed mind. I can probably get a check you all might think I am so crazy. I am in love with this man. He has children, that i love like they are mine and he is the most beautiful part of me. I promise.

Today's Love Quote - Love does not dominate; it cultivates. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

Today's love quote was a brilliant touch of feeling for me and I had say a few words, I had to express my emotional link to it. Love does not dominate, it cultivates. In my mind that is the most evoking piece of life put into a short phrase of words. Love has shown to me that its the creation of art, the demand of excellence. How many things and understandings have been cultivated and born of love and the power that it has in people and the world. Did you know that love is the only thing in this human experience that will out live death. It is immortality, it is a breathing and living entity and it cultivates and sustains what we call life. 

Design of Desire

Many people think of love as this romantic notion of chemical reactions that you feel toward someone of the opposite sex or same sex if that's your preference or experience. They never see it as this divine understanding, or this unlimited source of power and that's what it is. A source of understanding and power. Or at least that's the understanding that I have come to, even a source of power toward one's self, the more you love yourself the more powerful and successful you seem to be in my opinion or my understanding. Example, the idea or nature of hubris is a self love that is so beyond the norm it's gotten a wrap that states that its  more arrogance, more than selfishness but an elite being with yourself that you actually believe that you are above and beyond what society has settled as standard and normal.  


Entrance of the design of desire, the design of wanting the element of the physical manifestation of love. The intricate and dynamic design of wanting to feel this thing that we can't touch or put a physical demand or ideology on that which we can not see, what we can not touch. It's a hidden glimpse of this thing that we are suppose to give freely and touch never. I desire the touch of my "Urban Prophet" I desire the look of his eyes directly into my mine as he hovers over me, as I allow him entrance into the places that are reserved for someone special, someone as a woman I am taught to save for marriage. Yet many of us decide to allow love to flow from our intimate places at the first twinge of feeling in places that were marked benign as we are growing up and learning that women are vastly different from men in the ideology of feeling and the design of desire.


Yet how true is it, how different are we from men, is their design for desire so different from the fairer sex.  My "Urban Prophet" has taught me that men have the same intricate designs of desires that we do, the same want, the same need, yet the force of  their design is much different in the impact of it. As women when we are disappointed, we find ways to regroup, remold and redefine or redesign as we approach different chances for another hidden glimpse of love.  Where men are taught at a young age to not disclose or claim the element of the feelings that they feel, told to hide and keep closed the door of intimate understanding. Told not to cry, to not demonstrate the defenses that we are told to embrace and understand. Loving a man can sometimes be harder then loving our children, because as an adult that claims no design of desire, they leash and frame the intimate tags as a fire that is quenched when felt if not harbored and feed slowly and kept contained. Their design still so powerful and can be so brilliant in its deliverance, if taught properly, if embraced completely.
So tell me, how powerful is love, how grand the design of it that it causes people to change, in ways of positive and negative. Causes women to continue to propel forward when disappointed again and again, and causes men such pause they are forever affected. What is your design of desire?
Mine is in his voice, in his walk, in his over all demonstration. It's in the truth he demands in me, in the love he secretes as we couple. It's in the power and conviction of his relationships with others, in his eyes as he demands a deeper knowledge of me. The design of my desire is in the words he speaks and how well he arranges them.... it's the hidden glimpse of what I want in myself that is manifested in his actions. 

The First Glimpse

     Are these just my thoughts, is it my beliefs or should it be my judgments that are listed in a rant of  personal experience. These are my first thoughts as I begin this new "possibility for greatness". So many people have begun to blog; documenting and chronicling their unlimited thoughts and what each defines is oblivious to me. I am at a lost to the true goal of my new possibility and I wonder without a direction how far can I actually travel.  At the exact moment I felt as though I was bamboozled by the content, pretense, subtext or plain ole subject, I just said run with the wind. Just like that "bam", a "Positive Peyton" had been born and I was on the road to changing the world, one blog at a time. I had begun to ask myself why if the rest of the world could be so arrogant to think the world wants to hear there rants and raves on any subject or situation why not me.
Okay so that is not exactly a true depiction of what actually happened. Okay so it was more like...
                 A Joss Stone compliation was creating euphoric energy by use of my ears, a rapid beating heart was beginning to tear when I thought of the man I shall call my "Urban Prophet" and as the first liquid promises escaped my eyes, I was sure that somehow today was the day I was strong enough to do something different. I was going to be courageous and choose happiness, and this was the second step. The first step was admitting that I had changed, that I had now begun to see the world in a different way. I was now an adult and a chapter in my life had been sealed, signed and delivered to the publishers and I might as well admit that I was ready to complete the transformation to "Spiritually Lead Bad Girl Almost Reformed".

    Not many years ago I dreamed of being a published writer. I wanted to tell the world stories of fictional love affairs between women. Yes I was speaking from experience and yes I "WAS" a lesbian, okay well that's what I was calling myself when I was diving between shaved legs and embracing endless episodes of  "The L Word" and kissing full lips that converted me from men to women at least temporarily at first glimpse.

I suppose that and my endless run ins with narcotics, r and B, and devastatingly tempting sexual experiences I deemed myself a "Bad Girl", oh and the fact that I have for myself created a criminal record that reads... she is only bad enough to get misdemeanor charges.  A true lady rebel I am.

    My desire to write fictional novels of lesbian love began as a sizzling hot idea about a good girl turned lady lover and somehow ended up being kidnapped and as the woman with beautiful lips left my world, so did my desire to finish the book that left me confused. So many hours of writing left in a cold file labeled "Within Dark Hands". Yet writing still was in my heart and although I have ignored the calling to tell a story, I still dreamed that maybe one day I would be courageous enough to reach higher than he stars and go for a heroic attempt at using my love of words to make a change in my world, and on some level touch the lives of others as well.
     
 Well the desire lead me to write my own story, and believe me it's not a bad idea, and that idea is in the works. Yet days have gone by and my desire to write has been absent, the only thing present in the corridors  of my mind, the one thing that survives both good and bad days it seems was love. Love survives my thoughts daily and I realized that I needed to release the unspoken pledges of forever I felt for my "Urban Prophet" in the lessons that I have learned in knowing him and applying myself to every new activity, goal or experience. This is the first of collage of hidden glimpses into the entity that is my soul and spirit.

So it seems that love is a  true friend, surprising you with  kind thoughts, moments that are truly miraculous and a new belief in everything. So here we are beginning this new journey.

I will share that I am afraid that I might love documenting the random moments of love and pure wonder I feel almost every day. Is it possible that love can create a life, an income? Is it possible to be an employee for love, working diligently to promote it's power? When asked for Industry: Can I mark Health and Wellness, For occupation: Love Advocate; Duties: Creating and building more understanding  to the survival, belief and commitment to love in romantic, familial, and professional relationships.

Until the next time
Nya Monea is Duality Defined